The day I became the Director General of Police

Someone stole my mobile phone from my hostel room one evening while I was playing football a few years ago in college. It was my new Nokia 6600, which commanded a lot of respect those days. I knew I would never get it back, but nevertheless, I registered a complaint at the local police station. The police officers were very supportive. They told me that it is lost forever, and there's no way to retrieve it. Now that's encouraging. On top of that, they were sure the culprit is one of my room mates, and they can take them into custody and beat the hell of out them till they agree for the theft. This was the Kerala police way of doing things. But I wasn't amused. I told them if it's one of my room mates that took it, then I'll let them keep it and withdraw my complaint. I went back to my hostel cursing the utter uselessness of the so called 'Police Force'.

One of my friends in college, Nirmala knew the then district Superintendent of Police. Being an IPS officer, he once came to our college for inaugurating some function on her request, and talked for an hour about global issues. I didn't listen then, but I later realized that he was a very educated person. She called him and told him about the stolen phone, and the complaint I registered at Pampady police station. He then called the station, and 'recommended' the case. This is the best thing about Kerala Police. They work on cases only if they are recommended by superiors. They don't bother otherwise. So now, all of a sudden, my stolen phone has become the hottest case for the police in Pampady police station. The same day, four police men came to the hostel where I was staying to talk to me and make the First Information Report. Like every case, they needed suspects. And since they are utterly useless in anything, they made my room mates the prime suspects. After that, I never heard from them again. Maybe because I didn't have my phone. :-)

Another friend of mine told me that mobile phones can be tracked using the IMEI number by the service providers, even if the thief uses another SIM card. That's when I had a glimmer of hope that I'll get it back, and decided to call the SP. I thought maybe if I tell him about how phones can be tracked using the IMEI number, he might be able to 'recommend' the local police into doing some work for a change and find my phone. So on a Thursday morning, I wake up around 9.30 am and calls his mobile number. I was a little nervous knowing that I was going to speak to an IPS officer, so I decide to go with English instead of Malayalam. A great decision, I was reckoning. I'll realize that was a mistake later.

'Hello'

'Hello?'

'Is this Mr. Sreejith?'

Angrily, 'Who is speaking?'

'Hi, My name is Anish, studying in RIT, Kottayam. I'm Nirmala's friend. I believe she called you regarding a stolen mobile phone.'

 By this time, his voice seemed angrier. 'Call me later. I'm in the judicial court in Calicut now.'

Phew. That was tense, for no particular reason. Why are police officers angry all the time, and for no particular reason? Part of their training I guess.

So I go to class, late by an hour. Nothing relevant ever happens there, so fast forward to lunch time. Nirmala comes to me and starts shouting.

'What the hell did you tell him?'

I have no idea what she's talking about. 'What did I tell him?'

'You called him Mr. Sreejith???'

Me, naively, 'Ya. Did I mess up his name?'

'Did you ask for MISTER SREEJITH?'

'Yes. Can you cut the crap and tell me what his name is?'

'He is really pissed off you called him as Mister Sreejith. You should've asked for "Sreejith Sir" instead. He was furious over the phone. He wanted to know if you think you are the Director General of Police to address him as Mister Sreejith.'

I didn't know what to say after hearing this. Actually, I didn't know if I had said something wrong. Maybe he didn't expect a civilian to call him Mr. Sreejith. He was so used to being called Sreejith Sir that he couldn't comprehend the simple fact that Mister is how men are addressed in English, with NO DISRESPECT. I lost the little bit of respect I had for him after that. 

I didn't call him again after that, and didn't bother to check with the local police on the status of my mobile recovery. I never saw my phone again. There's still an open case registered at Pampady police station for a stolen mobile. The prime suspects are my college room mates Nadeem, Pavan and Jayadevan, in that order. I don't think they know that.